Advice for the Guys from the Ladies

She gives you her number, now what?

Thu, 08 Apr 2010 08:51:00 -0700

Listen up, gentlemen. If we meet you out and you're our type, we will give you our real number. Trust us when we say we don't freely dole out our digits to any Tom, Dick, or Harry. If we give you our digits, we want you to contact us...but, not too much in the first 24 hours.

What you choose to do in the first 24 hours of receiving a number is crucial to whether you get a first date. As women, we don't like games. We also don't like psychopaths. You don't want to blow up our voicemail or text inbox right after you meet us. Yes, we know, we're gorgeous, intriguing creatures, and it's hard to resist us. But, use some restraint in contacting us initially.

That is not to say that you should adhere to the "three day rule," whereby you don't call us for three days. We'll have moved on by then. Remember that we live in L.A., not Omaha. Men are like buses going by every 10 minutes.

So how to do you strategically pull us in for a first date without being all SWM (single white male, for those too young to remember)? We recommend adhering to the 2/1 rule: 2 text maximum/1 call maximum.

Anything more seems desperate. Anything less seems uninterested. A proper first text goes something like this:

YOU: "Hey [name], it was really nice meeting you tonight/lastnight at [place]. I hope we can get together soon," or something else equally personal.

She will inevitably respond if your text is personal (without being psycho; psycho = "I felt we had a real connection and I need to see you"). On a side note, don't send out mass texts to every girl whose number you got that night. We're not stupid. We can tell. You know who you are.

Once she responds with a "nice meeting you too" or "can't wait," wait a a couple hours and invite her somewhere or say "can I call you sometime later this week? I'd like to take you to [location]?"

If you call, you can use the same script on her voicemail - you know and we know that she'll probably send you to voicemail if she doesn't recognize your number. And, even if she does recognize your number, sending a guy to voicemail the first time he calls is something we do. Deal with it. If she answers, just talk to her naturally. You don't have to make plans that day. Just give her enough of a conversation to know that you think she's fabulous and are interested in making plans later that week.

This will open the dialogue, and the "call you sometime later this week" rhetoric will also take the pressure off you to call her that day (we know you like that).

Simple, right? We thought so.

Happy dating.

An open letter to men: Games are lame

Mon, 05 Apr 2010 13:17:00 -0700

We want to share a secret with men: women don't like games. While you may think we enjoy reading your mind or the hidden meaning behind your texts, we don't. And, while we are problem-solvers by nature, we don't enjoy deciphering your behavior, comments, status updates, etc. with our girlfriends at dinner. Believe it or not, much like you, we like straight-forward communication.

We appreciate someone who tells us what they want, and what they are (and are not) looking for in a relationship.

So don't play games.

If you are unsure whether you want to be in a relationship, just tell us. Trust us when we say you are not doing us a favor by telling us what you think we want to hear, and then acting completely different when you are out of our range of vision. Be observant - if your lady is getting your initials monogrammed on her towels and you don't even know her initials, it is time to have that talk. Here's a good way to start: "Babe, I like you a lot and I am having fun getting to know you, but, I think the towels are a little too soon." Yes, a tear may be shed, but it's better to set the record straight.

Likewise, if you are ready to be in a relationship but want to take things slow, tell us as much. Don't keep your fear of "taking that next step" harbored in your heart, and blow up with a rant about how you're not ready for marriage when we simply invite you to coffee with our folks. Saying something like: "Babe [it's always good to lead with babe], I'm so lucky to have you in my life [flattery also works], and I want to see where this goes. At this point in my life, I'm not ready to make big decisions about us for so many reasons. And it's not you, it's me [this works too]."

The key to any relationship is open communication. Games are so lame and only feed into the behavior that drives each of the sexes crazy! Be honest and forthright, and women will appreciate you even more. And remember that flattery and the term "babe" softens any blow.

Friend Zone

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 21:49:00 -0800

I recently experienced the best weekend of my life. The last four days have been a blur with lectures, events, dinners and other various intellectually and socially stimulating activities. In the midst of it all, a good friend made the decision to “spill the beans” that he is attracted to me over text. I responded that I appreciate his continued encouragement and support.

This is usually the point when you let the issue die. Instead, he had another female friend “follow-up” over the next day or two about my feelings regarding the situation. Of which I have none. I don’t feel any anxiety or remorse. In fact, I was so busy driving from Long Beach to Santa Monica to various venues on the West Side, intrigued by lectures on plate tectonics, marine biology, nanoscience and stem cell research then, passing out in my double-breasted jacket still wearing my pearls, heels and make-up that I didn’t have time to give it (and consequently, him) a second thought.

He explained that he is exactly the type of guy I’ve been looking for all these years. There’s a certain level of selective perception and cognitive dissonance at play here. Granted, we have great conversations about our friends, college, and work, we truly share no common interests. I’m not at a place or time to acquire a newfound love for film and music.

Guys - proving to her that you’re basically perfect for each other and that she’s missing out on a great opportunity will just put out negative vibes. This approach is too aggressive and will probably freak her out. Show her you’re independent. You have your own life and you don’t need a relationship to feel complete. I reiterate: Confidence is attractive. Codependence is not. Let it go completely. Get on with your life. She’ll come around and realize her attraction for you on her own.

Reframing your state of mind can open up your realm of possibilities. There are plenty of women in LA who can dissect the subtle nuances of Kubrick’s work with breathtaking eloquence. Rather than proving to the friend who for all intents is not a great match (she puts you to sleep with boring tangents about that great article in the Wall Street Journal on efficient markets), take a step back and realize that there are tons of people out there who are better suited for you.

The key is:

1) Knowing your audience and knowing what’s right for you. If you’re a cinematic genius, there are tons of women who will be enthralled by your knowledge and talent. The quant nerd will be confused.
2) Patience is key. Don’t limit yourself to what’s available right this second. Just because you’re lonely doesn’t mean you have to settle.

The truth of the matter is that it’s not personal. Not in the least. I’ve been so busy with the aforementioned activities and reading that I haven’t had time to consider attraction, much less a relationship. If Brad Pitt professed his undying love to me today, I would respond, “You seem like a great guy but I have a conference/meeting/charity event to attend. Let’s reconvene in 2011 and schedule lunch then.” Don’t focus on “getting out of the friend zone”. When these things don’t work out, it’s a timing issue more than anything else. Try a change of scenery: open up your social network. Meet new people through coworkers and friends. Engage strangers at the supermarket in mundane conversations about produce. Put yourself out there and you’ll be pleasantly surprised by what you find.

But I’m Such a Nice Guy!

Sat, 09 Jan 2010 10:13:00 -0800

I remember reading an article in Esquire a while back. The author began saying that 2007 is the year of the “nice guy”. This statement hit close to home for me. Over the years, the art of seduction has evolved into a complicated, subversive strategy. The vast majority of women will attest that we are done playing games, presenting the perfect opportunity for the nice guy to enter the scene.

Having grown up in Los Angeles, I’d accrued an arsenal of defense mechanisms to combat all sorts of insulting techniques developed by so-called “pick-up artists”. For those who aren’t familiar, feel free to Google it. A group of individuals created a system for picking up women founded on the philosophy that “nice guys finish last”. Their most renowned modus operandi is “negging”. This involves using negative reinforcement when interacting with woman. Some examples from the book “The Game” written by Neil Strauss include “Are your nails fake?” and “I saw two other girls wearing the same shirt you’re wearing tonight.” The author of the aforementioned Esquire article asserts that the ubiquity of this method left much to be desired. We’re now so used to being put down that the sweet guy stands out among the rest.

Now, you say, “But I’m a nice guy and I always end up on the friend ladder!” A lot of it has to do with timing. Secondly, women tend to have a higher proclivity to maintain a friendship, or a fear of losing it than men do. Finally, the “but I’m such a nice guy!” attitude exudes subtle resentment. Women can sense disenfranchisement. So, rather than coming off as a “nice guy,” many turn out looking like a guy who is just being nice while expecting something in return. Or even worse, we’re afraid to “owe” you later. Granted, a date isn’t too much to ask…this kind of behavior sends us running the way guys go running when a woman brings up the relationship talk too soon in the dating process. Kindness is attractive. Codependence is not.

Why then do some women date guys who treat them poorly? Players are notoriously charming and effective in talking their way out of bad situations. The classic “This isn’t who I am. I promise not to XYZ next time.” line is actually effective because women are maternal in nature and consequently, forgiving…to a point. Plus, the “baby, you’re beautiful” routine goes a long way. Truth be told, most of us have no idea what we’re doing when it comes to dating. So, we take statements like “I promise to be better” and “baby, you’re beautiful” at face value.

That being said, men who are less aggressive are often just that: They approach fewer women and become discouraged much more quickly. Women want a confident man. What does that even mean? A man who lacks self-esteem will often provide negative reinforcement as a projection of his own insecurity. We interpret this as such and we’re put off. We like a man who confidently supports, encourages and reassures us. A man who plans dates, sets an itinerary, opens doors and keeps us entertained. Pay a compliment or two. It doesn’t have to relate to her appearance. If you’re in an interesting conversation with a woman, you can say, “That’s so insightful. I never thought of it that way.” rather than inciting a playful argument. Maintaining a positive attitude can open a lot of doors naturally.

Knowing your target audience will work wonders. My first job out of college involved statistical analysis and forecasting for movies and DVDs. I was always fascinated by the movie “The Holiday” from a forecasting standpoint, although I’ve never watched it in entirety. It’s a typical romantic comedy starring Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet and Jude Law. We would sell thousands upon thousands of copies every week at Target, yet couldn’t move a single unit at Best Buy. Target caters to a predominantly female demographic, while Best Buy is just the opposite. So it would made sense that action titles are more popular at the latter retailer. Simple changes like meeting new people through a book club or a hiking group can dramatically change your luck in dating.

To recap:
1)   As a nice guy, you stand out among the rest. Know it. Own it. Live it. Confidence is attractive.
2)   Be kind and considerate without being forceful or codependent.
3)   Taking charge in dating and being reliable goes a long way.
4)   Pay genuine compliments.
5)   Chivalry is not dead.
6)   Know your target audience. If something isn’t working, try a change of scenery.

Give us a compliment already!

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 18:34:00 -0800

The old adage is not true. Flattery will get you everywhere. Well, okay, maybe not everywhere or everything, but if I like you, it will get you far enough with me.

Guys, I have to believe that you know how much we girls care about our appearance. We primp, prep, perfume, and get all gussied up to look nice for you guys. There’s nothing worse than getting picked up for a date, and having the guy say nothing at all about how I look. When this happens, I feel like saying, “Okay, let’s start this over. I’ll go back inside and come back out when you have something nice to say.” Seriously though, would it kill you to say, “Wow. You look great” or maybe “I love that dress”. SAY ANYTHING! We like to know that you notice the effort! Recently, I had a guy look at me at the end of the night as we said our goodbyes and say “God. Look how pretty you are.” I melted! Honestly, I was putty in his hands at that moment. Compliments work, but make sure you’re sincere when doling them out. Females are a smart specimen, we can see through your bullshit.

So now that we’ve established the importance of compliments, it’s necessary to discuss how often a guy should make a flattering remark to a girl. The easy answer- not too much, not too little. I’m thinking four a night should suffice. Definitely tell her she looks great at the start of the date. If she says something interesting at dinner, say something about that. Let her know you’re listening. Compliment her on something she’s wearing. We love that. Finally, if the night goes well, tell her how pretty you think she is. Oh, and if you find yourself getting lucky, say something about how amazing she looks naked. She’ll be less inhibited during sex afterwards.

So guys, contrary to popular belief, not all girls like assholes, some of us just want a nice, normal guy who will tell us we’re smart and pretty. ☺

You Can’t Bullshit a Bullshitter

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 17:39:00 -0800

All right, guys, listen up. I’m reaching out to you from the standpoint of a 27-year old woman; a professional, independent, self-sufficient serial dater. I’ve had long relationships, short relationships, and one night stands; I’ve speed dated, online dated, been set up, and connected with beer goggle-infused dudes at bars at 2am. Simply put: I’ve experienced the gamut of dating to the point where I feel my words pull some weight. Most importantly? I’m L.A. born and raised. So don’t give me that crap that “dating in L.A. is so tough.” I hear the same complaints from my friends who live in New York. Dating is a wicked game that spans coast to coast.

I find what’s most frustrating about dating is that you guys feel the need to string us along. Why get my number if you have no intentions of calling? Why tell me you want to take me out to dinner if you only want to see my Hanky Pankies? I think I have a good head on my shoulders and it takes quite a bit to offend me; yet, despite my thick skin, I love chivalry and am still pleasantly surprised if a guy opens the car door for me. All I’m saying is that being upfront and honest with open lines of communication is the way to a woman’s heart. Just tell me what you expect out of whatever is brewing between us; whether it’s physical or on the road to a [gasp] potential relationship. I chalk up all dating experiences – good and bad – to be life lessons. If it doesn’t work out then I’m that much closer to realizing what I want. Just don’t make me think you’re interested if you’re not; there’s no need for either of us to reach a point where we have to Coyote Ugly ourselves out of an awkward situation.

Yep, friends, I’m still single, and I lend this to the fact that I’m not the type to settle or go out with a guy because of the company and free drinks (sidebar: guys, always pay for a lady on the first date, or we’ll rip you a new a-hole in front of all of our single friends). I’d rather be happy spending a night in after a good workout and a hot shower and I’d much prefer sitting on my couch with the newest episode of “Ugly Betty” than a guy who couldn’t light my fire with the flame of a tiki torch. It has also been a very long time since I’ve crossed paths with a man who is genuine, attractive, intelligent, and honest. Are you even out there? The stars have yet to align.

Where we like to go on first dates...

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 14:47:00 -0800

About a year ago, one of my close guy friends (Artist with a hint of Fratastic) came to visit me in L.A. and told me how much he hates dating. He went on to tell me how he wanted to impress a girl, so he took her to a fancy dinner, that he couldn’t afford, and they ate beautiful a la carte meals by candlelight. Fancy dinners and candlelight sound like a sophisticated and romantic way to woo a girl, right? Wrong.

The most awkward 1st and 2nd dates I’ve ever been on have involved a stuffy fancy dinner, with white table clothes and napkins, expensive wine, and a quiet atmosphere that forces you to talk to your date in a near whisper. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE romance, and I can see how making a reservation at Craft might seem like the gentlemanly thing to do, but starring into each others eyes on a 1st or 2nd date is a little awkward when you just met the guy 2 days ago.

The advice I gave my friend was that 1st dates are some of the most fun, and until you realize that, you’re never going to enjoy yourself… and when you don’t enjoy yourself, your date won’t either. Realize that first dates allow you to clean yourself up, put your best foot forward and meet someone that you don’t have to ever see again.

Personally, I’ll go on a date with just about anyone, but I make sure he takes me somewhere I’ve never been before. That way if the date doesn’t go the way I wanted, I experienced something new and didn’t waste my time. If you set up an enjoyable date that is meant to be nothing more than an enjoyable time, you’ll never lose.

So take her bowling, have dinner at a taco stand, go hiking, root on your local hockey team (didn’t realize L.A. had a hockey team until that random date) - the list goes on and on. And maybe it won’t work out with the girl, but you won’t waste your time because your enjoyed the experience without forcing the romance.

Why movies are the worst dates ever…

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 00:09:00 -0700

When you’re 15 and you like a girl, the easiest date to go on is to the movies. It’s fairly cheap, your parents can drop you off without knowing you’re meeting a girl, and your nervous hormones allow you to sit next to a cute blonde in the dark without actually having to talk to her.

So yes, dates to the movies when your 15 are good. But let’s all age ourselves about 10-15 years and ask ourselves why this is still the go-to for first dates. Probably for the same reasons - cute blonde, dark room, no talking - I get it. But when you get to a certain age and you’re spending your free time with someone else, wouldn’t you like to… I don’t know, talk to them? Imagine you’ve already had a great first or second date. You’ve talked, you’ve laughed, you’ve maybe kissed a bit… and now you’re going to sit next to each other in silence? Goodie.

First problem becomes picking the movie – drama, romance, comedy, something serious so you can act sophisticated when you talk about it later? Eh. Men and women don’t typically like the same movies, so one of you is cringing while either Jennifer Aniston struts across the screen, or a guy gets chopped in 2. And once you get past what you’re going to watch, you sit uncomfortably close to one another and have to do that awkward lean away thing, so you can actually turn your head to chat. That, or you end up facing the screen and talking more to open air than in the direction of each other.

So then the movie starts, and you sit there for 2 silent hours. The lights come up, and suddenly everything is weird. “So… how’d you like the movie?” “Yea… I liked that one part.” “Yea… that part was great.” Then you continue to talk about what you just watched on the entire ride home as if you both didn’t just spend the last 2 hours watching the same damn thing. And this does what for your relationship?

Movie dates are easy, they’re fun, but they aren’t good ‘getting to know you’ dates. If you like a girl, make the movie theater your apartment. Don’t stress about whether she put the arm rest down between your chairs, just turn the lights down, cuddle up in a blanket, and order take out. That kind of movie watching only leads to another date.