Blogs from the City

Thumb Love: A Keypad Romance

Mon, 06 Sep 2010 20:59:00 -0700

I couldn’t write about dating in the 21st century if I didn’t talk about texting and the role it plays in this techno-age world.

So let’s take it from here: You were just dropped off at home after a great date….

You brush your teeth, wash your face and pretend to keep yourself busy while you wait for it… And oooh, there it is, “I had a great time tonight,” a perfect little message on your phone. You give a little smile and maybe a small fist pump (or an over-the-head lasso) and you welcome the open-door invitation to thumb-throbbing communication overload.

Alright, all you rampant BBMers out there. Ya ready for this? …. ‘cause I’m layin’ it out.
The types: There’s the one who only answers your questions and never asks, the over user of emoticons dude, there’s the immediate and all too eager responder, and then there’s the wait 6 hours to respond and pretend like we are mid-conversation guy. Whichever he is, texting your man is just the way of the world and an unavoidable sign of the times. However, there can be some brutal drawbacks.

The disadvantages of Thumb Love™

1. I’d say definite number 1 reason (for BBMers) is tangible visual rejection in the form of a little “R” next to a check mark. It’s like the text version of “talk to the hand.” Can you imagine if in real life you posed a question to someone and they listened to you, then just chose to be silent. So awkward.

2. You can carry on the slowest, most fragmented conversation for 3 days about total useless crap. Add up all of that time and you’ve just lost a good 4 hours of your life to a lame witty banter about the favorite Disney movies you have in common (mine’s Aladdin).

3. Too much communication. When there is no lull, like anything…there will be burnout.

4. It’s easier to say things you would have never said out loud. Sometimes this can be a good thing (expression of feelings) or a bad thing (expression of sexual feelings). Which brings me to my next point…

5. Things get too sexual too quickly. A few innuendos later, mixed with at least 15 “;)”s and you’ve dug yourself right into the “I’m a slut” hole. Actually, I’m a ”slut hole” works too, kinda catchy.

6. There is no process of discovery. You’re practically dating via messages. Which is dangerous when you can’t judge the physical chemistry you share.

7. It nurtures stalker-tyoes with an open invite to just check-in and see what’s doin’. Which in turn creates a sense of dependency. You know it’s bad when you have a “stalkers” folder on both your BBM and your Facebook chat (yup… I do).

8. Often, you haven’t even gone out on a date, yet you’ve stopped seeing each other, ALL over text messages. How do you even know what you’re throwing away when you haven’t given it the chance?

9. Finally, the worst of all, “plans” and “dates” are never for sure. You can get a text 20 minutes before go-time and suddenly, they’re held up at work and wanting to “push ’til next week.”

All that being said… I heart texting. They say our generation has no patience, and it’s true, we don’t. Texting provides us with a way to stay in contact while multi-tasking through a thousand other things. However, when it comes to dating, I think it’s just a matter of figuring out where and when to draw the line.

So, what to do?
Establish your response time. Don’t be at his beckon call. If you feel a vibration (your cellphone… perv), check the message when YOU have time. If his text requires an answer, then answer. If it doesn’t, then don’t (it’ll only make him want you more). And if the texts are getting out of hand… voice it! Tell him you’re over all of the texting and that he needs to take you out. If he doesn’t, then that’s his loss.

Here’s my opinion, it’s okay to communicate plans and short unimportant conversations via text, but DO NOT get to know each other through your keypad. This is the thing, a guy takes you out on a date because he is “interested” in YOU and wants to get to know YOU better, but how can he do that when you’re layin’ it all out in the pre-qualification round? What’s there to look forward to?

Is seems to me like we have lost all of the excitement, chase and lust that comes with dating, and replaced it with over-accessibility. So my peeps, you can keep spreading the thumb love, but please proceed with caution.

Oh, waiter…

Sat, 21 Aug 2010 08:48:00 -0700

Oh, waiter…

I’m a southern gal so I expect a certain amount of courting. I expect a guy to make a dinner reservation, I expect him to pick me up, I expect him to open the car door, I expect him to pay, and overall I just expect him to know what the hell he’s doing. HOWEVER, all you ladies that sit around expecting a guy to do everything and open himself up emotionally for YOU, is in for a rude awakening.

I’m definitely that girl a bit. I’m very guarded and I like being in control. I like a guy doing all the work wherein my only job is to choose whether I want in or not. It’s backfired in my life in so many ways. Guys often tell me that they could never tell if I actually liked them. And to be honest, I probably didn’t know myself. But I know for a fact that my sitting back and doing absolutely nothing while analyzing their moves has done nothing to further my love life either.

My best friend and I were enjoying a pleasant summer day with wine and cocktails and of course our conversation led to analyzing the detailed moves of some flavor-of-the-month. She proceeded to tell me about how a 2nd date involved a guy making her a home cooked meal that was amazing. He then text her the next day inquiring about a meeting she had and whether it went well. She had responded that it did. Well, stop the presses, the boy hasn’t called in a week and that must mean he doesn’t like her. I get it, when you like a guy you want things to move a bit faster and you’d prefer a week not to go by before you hear from him. But he’s not here to serve you. Pick up the phone and call him. “Well, I text him last so now it’s his turn.” I didn’t know this was playtime and we were taking turns on who’s next at the slide.

Why is a guy gonna call you if he doesn’t know if you’re interested in hearing from him? What signals are you giving him that he should? I get the ‘play hard to get thing’ but if you aren’t sleeping with him yet, I think he still has something to work towards.

A guy isn’t here to serve your emotional needs and he certainly isn’t here to guess what those needs are. The worse thing you can do is to sit around and analyze what he’s thinking. Put your ego aside and call him. If he doesn’t call you back, you have your answer and you can move on. There are waaay too many men in this world to sit around and waste your time (and your best friend’s beach vacation time) analyzing the moves of some guy and why he isn’t doing all the work. What work are you doing?

So don’t complain that he didn’t call, don’t analyze why he didn’t. Don’t bitch that the guy across the bar didn’t come over and say hi, when you had no plans on going over to him. What do you have to lose taking a chance and doing something yourself? I get that rejection sucks. It’s a miserable feeling. But you know what else is miserable? Waiting around. Even Cinderella got her ass to the ball and you can too.

FAKE IT ‘TILL YOU MAKE IT: Feeding the Male Ego

Mon, 24 May 2010 08:18:00 -0700

So I was out for drinks with a few friends the other night, when after a long conversation about sex, one of my MALE friends made this statement:

I HAVE NEVER HAD A GIRL FAKE IT WITH ME.

Wow, with such assurance, said the king.

AFTER BOWING DOWN TO HIM. I knew right then and there, that this needed to be cleared up once and for all.

Before you read on, this is a warning:
if you are my grandmother, earmuffs please…
if you work with me, definite earmuffs,
and if you are a prude, then stop reading.

I am going to start with a little pre-sex dating scenario as a warm-up to my call-to-action.

And it goes a lil’ ‘somethin’ like this…ugh (I literally just did the running man): Okay so you’re pretty sure that you’re ready. Whether you’ve been dating a week or 6 months, you’ve managed to squeeze yourself in for a “JUST IN CASE” BRAZILIAN before your date. So in other words, your ready to play a little ‘DIP THE BEAK.’

Of course you’ve decided to have a “Low-key night” and just “rent a movie or something” (because neither of you have any idea what THAT means). THE MOVIE’S BEEN ON FOR 20 MINUTES and YOU CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER THE name of it, because you’re completely consumed by the approaching moment. So flash forward through 8 minutes of “accidental” elbow touching, arm tickling and eventually “I’m cold, do you want a blanket” (even though its summer and you have no air conditioning).

It’s been about 2-40 minutes (depending on the guy). Your hips are hurting, your knees are locking, and you’re pretty sure you’re over it (its just not gonna happen on your end). So what to do?

YOU TELL HIM YOUR “THERE” THROW IN A FEW EXTRA GRUNTS, SHOUT OUT HIS NAME AND PUT “F$%# ME” ON REPEAT (WOW THAT WAS VULGAR).

DONE AND DONE. HARMLESS…RIGHT?

Maybe not. What do we have left after pretending to have had the best ride of our life?

Nothing but a man with a blown out ego.

Why do we feel it is our duty to protect that ego? Because, we’re worried we might loose him? or maybe we don’t want to make him feel any less of a man. Why are we so damn selfless and submissive?

THIS, is a problem. And for all the men who read this blog, your not as good as you think (well most of you aren’t, minus one or two). We just feel bad telling you the truth. For all you women who perpetuate this nonsense, you’re just as bad.

Over 70% of women fake orgasms. And 96% of men don’t care
(no, I didn’t make that up. Cosmo said it was true…so it’s true).

So where do we go from here? We go to a place not often visited by a woman….the land of complete and utter honesty. Speak your mind, and tell him what you like. And if you didn’t “go” then tell him the truth. Its okay to be a little selfish when it comes to your pleasure palace. ‘Cause if he’s the right guy, then he’ll want you to feel good too.

So this is a call, to ALL women to stop faking. Together we can stop the Male Ego Inflation Crisis (MEIC™, yes I made that up), and turn the tables. For once, maybe they’ll be the ones who will feel a little insecure.

I’ll leave you with the final question my “sex god” of a friend asked me that night:

“WHY WOULD SHE FAKE IT?
WHAT WOULD ANY WOMAN POSSIBLY HAVE TO GAIN BY FAKING IT?”

And my answer…
Time.

10 gifts to get your guy

Mon, 26 Apr 2010 21:17:00 -0700

Oh no it’s that time again! It’s time to get your man a gift. Just when you got him something for the holidays, another gift-giving holiday has crept up on you; you have no idea what to get your special someone. Well, lucky you! Three Day Rule has the Top 10 gifts to get any man.

1. Get your man a membership to an “…of the month club.” They have everything, Beer of the Month, Wine of the Month, Necktie of the Month, there is no limit to what they have! And best yet, it’s the gift that keeps on giving. Who wouldn’t want a new surprise every month?!

2. Wow your man! This is perfect for a history buff, or for someone who has everything…The New York Times ultimate birthday book. This book contains the cover page from the New York Times; from every one of his birthdays starting from the year your man was born. Truly an original!

3. These days with so many electronic devices, it’s difficult for your guy to keep track of all of his, let alone have enough space to charge them all without getting them tangled; introducing the “Powermat Portable Recharging Mat”. With up to three cords this a must-have for the 21st century techie.

4. Do you date a man who just needs a little more adventure in his life? If so, there is the perfect gift for you. Take your man on a deep sea adventure with mans biggest enemy…the Great White Shark! Dive down the water at the California Coast, and look these beastly creatures in the eye. This is not for the weak.

5. The Kindle is the perfect gift for your jet-setter man. This electronic reader not much bigger than an actual book, allows your man to never have to worry he’s nearing the end of a book. Within 60 seconds he can grab a new read, and best of all, it’s eco-friendly!

6. Is your dude a workaholic? Does he need all the sleep he can get before it’s up and off to work in the morning? Then the Zeo Personal Sleep Coach is the perfect gift idea! This mighty little machine tells you how to improve your sleep, and how long you actually have slept. And best of all, since he will be sleeping better, your man will actually be awake and alert when he’s spending time with you.

7. Document every special moment with your man, with the Flip video. This little hand held device can fit right into his back pocket, and is perfect for those random moments in life, that you want to capture.

8. “mmmm” now your man can smell good without feeling girly doing it. Packaged in a painters can, “The Man Can” features amazing smelling products to let your man smell like a man, in a good way.

9. If your man’s a big sports fan, get him the book that will document his favorite NFL football team’s most important moments, in a bound book. This gift idea is great because it’s a manly gift, that has a personal touch

10. If you date a guys’ guy, it means he likes to tailgate. Tailgating can be a hassle, especially when you’re trying to find a grill. But not with the Drive N Grill, this is the perfect gift for your man, because you can plug it in to the car socket, grill some burgers and hot dogs.

So now that you have the ideas, go out and wow your man. Get him a gift he never expected!

(most gifts were inspired by gifts.com and findgift.com)

Dating Divorced Men

Mon, 26 Apr 2010 21:07:00 -0700

All my life I have been the “guys girl,” whether it be skateboarding with the boys as a pup, batting cages as a teenager, or riding motorcycles and fixing up old Chevy trucks as an adult. I have been surrounded by men, wherein these men would forget I was a woman and speak freely, divulging any and all information, secret fears and thoughts about life, love, misery and the pursuit of happiness. I have been trusted with information I will take to my grave. What I CAN share, I will share in the form of advice..
Recently I have come to terms with this fact: I am now of the age where the men I date will either be in the process of, OR recently divorced. To me, neither of these is off-putting nor a deal breaker, even if children are involved. Entering into a relationship of any sorts, with a man who must check the divorced status as opposed to single, can be tricky, and must be approached systematically.
We as women LOVE very few things as much as we love our men. SHOPPING is one of those things and even this “guys, girl” loves a good retail therapy session now and again.
That said, dating a divorced man is similar to purchasing clothing at a Vintage Retailer or Resale Boutique. Think of this man as if he were the Chanel Perforated Flap bag. This particular item was sought after by every girl from the time we were able to reach our mother’s make-up counter, a classic piece, flawless lines, well made and aesthetically appealing, thought to withstand any ideas of buyers remorse.
But throughout the years the seams began to fray, alterations became too tiresome and it was no longer the everyday purse. Eventually not even a “once a week,” it was more along the lines of “once in a blue moon” and the idea of keeping it confined to the closet, only to fill the space between, seemed unfair. Now, the bag is freed from the confines of the previous proprietor allowed to roam freely amongst the others.
This bag is new to the store, it will look a little out of place, and its flap may hang a little lower with the weight of defeat. DO NOT be the first to perk the flap! Let the woman with the Meth blond hair, acrylic nails and a skirt that bears resemblance to your college mid-term papers (long enough to cover the subject, yet short enough to keep it interesting) take first crack at it.
Allow the purse to remain on the rack, with a little room to breathe and take in the new environment, a chance to be desired by others. This should not be an impulse buy.

Before you approach the glass case, remind yourself of YOUR list. What exactly you look for in an EVERYDAY bag?:
1. Is it a solid color, will it fit every occasion, meshing well with your Chuck Taylor’s and Balenciaga?
2. Are you looking for a shoulder bag or an arm bag?
3. Are you interested in the simple classics or the trends to come?
4. Do you REALLY love the bag or the idea of the bag?
5. Is the wear and tear fixable?
6. Is the lining of the bag in good condition?

Now, approach the case… Yes! You must approach the case…. This bag has been put through the frickin’ ringer, even its bravado is bruised. Touch the Chanel ever so gently, place the strap on your shoulder and roam around the store, familiarize yourself with the potential investment.. You want it, you feel comfortable, at this very moment you feel it is everything you have ever wanted and it seems as if everything “fits just right” .
Put the purse back on the rack, take a step back . Go for a jaunt around the store sans the perforated design complimenting the curve of your waist. Is it what you were missing in your life? Is it a “lust?’ or a “must?”
Ladies, men re-emerging into the singles scene, no matter how amicable the break- up may have been, will feel like a failure. At least the good ones will. They had every intention of fulfilling their end of the contract and somewhere along the way, it just wasn’t working.
These men will most likely have an exceptional amount of projects i.e. hobbies, cars, motorcycles and extra curricular activities. Resist the urge to complain about the amount of time spent on these extra credit assignments because they make him happy. Let him be. He needs to learn how to be himself again; he will slowly season you into his activities.
Be careful of the divorcee who is willing to jump directly from his marriage into a committed relationship with you or anyone else for that matter. This man cannot be alone. A man that cannot be alone needs exactly what he fears. Leave him be.
Bit by bit you will find he will talk about the break, when he is ready, he will tell you all the details, not all in one breath, the more he trusts you, the more he will declare, do not pressure. Respect his ex, you were neither part of the relationship nor the break. Take the high road. Appreciate the work she put into this man, she, in part, helped mold the man he is today. If HE incessantly berates his former marital partner, take stock of the situation, he may not have had closure just yet.
They must have closure before you can be part of his life, he has invested many years in one person and may be afraid to do so again, be clear of your intentions, especially to yourself.

For more advice from JDub, email JDubSpeaks@gmail.com.

He loved her most when she loved him least… Da Games

Sun, 21 Mar 2010 17:39:00 -0700

To all you hopeless romantics out there,
Yes, this blog title is pretty cynical and yes it is written on a canvas in my living room. Most importantly, it is completely fucking true (and apparently….I am now swearing).

If you say you hate the games, it’s because YOU are THAT girl. The one taking her cell phone to the bathroom just in case he decides to call back THEN (and planning your quick escape, so that he doesn’t hear the echo of the flushing toilet when you answer). Yes, we actually do that.

So here‘s a little advice. You have no choice, you HAVE to play the games. If you don’t like games (I love clue), then call them something else. Like,…straight-up manipulation. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but, if you want to end up in a mutually respectful relationship, hell, if you want a guy to like you for you, then YOU climb those ladders, YOU pass go and YOU PLAY.

I could go on and on about this topic for days…so I will. Just kidding. I’ll just give you a glimpse into one of the many game-play tactics that I choose to live by.

He says “I’ll call you after work to make plans for tonight”
What does that even mean? All I have to say is Fuchsia Flag (so much brighter than a “red flag”). Make sure to at least get a rough time...”6:00ish” works for this example.

Step 1: Make backup plans and whatever you do DO NOT contact him (not even a “?” text message…that still counts ladies) until he contacts you.

Step 2: 6:00 rolls around and he hasn’t called, you can give him a one-hour grace period (especially if it was an “ish”)

Step 3: When he hasn’t called at 7:15 and your stomach is growling profanities at you, head off on your back-up plans. ‘Cause if he’s not going to respect your time, than your not going to respect his.

Step 4: Inevitably He calls at 9:04, because he WILL try to see what he can get away with. And that extra 4 minutes guarantees that it was past 9:00. What a tool (boooo to tools and boo to douche bags too).

Step 5: DO NOT ANSWER. Voicemail voicemail voicemail. He cannot know you have been sitting around waiting for him.

Step 6: Calculate the number of hours he made you wait. In this case… 3.

Step 7: Continue about your evening and about three hours from the time he called you, you can call him back. Whether you are leaving a voicemail or he answers (which he won’t…cause you’ve taken away some of his control) you are “nonchalant,” about him not calling and had a “great night” without him (whether you actually did or not).

Step 8, 9 & 10: Because you respect yourself, he learns to respect you. (I felt like it wasn’t complete until there were 10 steps)

Bottom line is, respect is what you demand when you show that dependence doesn’t rule your life.

So play da game chickas!
Tata for now…xoxo
Queen of the ellipses (it had to be said)

Don't settle. Don't rush. Know your value.

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 08:42:00 -0800

The morning after the papers were signed was a rough one. Laying in my parent's guest bed, I peeled open my eyes that were practically glued shut from dehydration. Through the haze of too much red wine and too many tears I realized that I had to face my new life as a divorcé.

How did I blow it and make such a colossal mistake? I wasn't honest about what I wanted, or what I needed and I thought that my boyfriend would suffice as a husband because he was there, and he loved me enough, and I felt old. At 25 I thought I'd missed the marriage boat. So I accepted the ring, even though it was as ugly as the sinking feeling in my stomach, and I settled.

When my marriage imploded, and I analyzed the wreckage, I literally felt a hard slap in my face. I could have avoided so much pain, and saved so much time.

Unfortunately, I can't get back the naiveté and tight skin of my early twenties, or change my mistakes, but I can share my story and hopefully save someone else from the pain and anguish I've experienced.

Please don't follow my path. Instead, shake yourself up a dirty martini, snag a piece of paper, grab your favorite pen, and follow these three simple steps:

Number 1: Write down all of the qualities that you want in a mate. My list was pretty extensive. I wrote absolutely everything I could think of, in fact, I went back and added to the list the next day. "I want a man who: laughs, loves football, has more than two friends, has a diverse vocabulary, dances, enjoys cooking, loves children, is educated, reads for leisure....etc."

Number 2: Write down all of the qualities that you DON'T want in a mate. This is important because it gives you the early warning signs that help you avoid settling for the wrong fella. "I DON'T want a man who: is a mama's boy, isn't affectionate, lacks drive, avoids eye contact, argues excessively, is socially awkward, is reclusive...etc."

Number 3 (and most important): Promise yourself that you won't settle down with a man unless he absolutely blows your mind. It is my strong belief that you shouldn't start making major compromises on what you want until you've been dating for a few months and the toilet seat issue arises. There is a difference between compromising on annoying tendencies (like chewing with his mouth open) and personality traits (having no sense of humor).

Just remember that you're worth it. You deserve to be adored by someone that you in turn adore. Don't settle. Don't rush. Know your value. Know your needs. Smile at yourself. Men can sense confidence and they will rise to the occasion if you set the standards.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened. – Dr. Seuss

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 08:20:00 -0800

It started out as a crush – and admittedly, I knew he was married. Although, I only knew him for a matter of days, there was something about him that intrigued me. I can’t eloquently express exactly what I was feeling, but quite simply – I knew I liked him. He had a gentle touch when he hugged me, he had an endearing smile when he looked at me and we both felt the connection. There were no awkward silences – I let my guard down pretty quickly and needless to say, he did the same.

He wanted to connect on facebook; I put my name in his phone so he could find me, telling myself not to make a big deal of it. By the end of the night he asked me for my number and I gave it to him. Then we gave each other a hug and I knew he was on his way home to his wife and children, yet I was okay with that.

There’s an age old debate about what constitutes cheating. Can an emotional connection be just as damaging as any sort of physical relationship? Many would say yes – as for me, I’m still undecided.

For the next few days we’d text, g-chat, and talk on the phone non-stop. We were even bold enough to skype. The guilt began to wear on him – and me too. But selfishly, I liked what I was feeling when I talked to him. I liked how he seemed to care about everything going on in my life, I liked the comfort he provided and I appreciated his honesty. He had no intention of jeopardizing his family and I didn’t expect, nor want him to. This was something new to both of us – and we chose to take control of our feelings differently.

He sought help and came to the realization that it was okay to feel for someone on a much deeper level, so long as his actions and communications remained appropriate. But what is appropriate? He complimented me, I did the same, I’d tell him I missed him and take it back, he would send me smiley faces and I’d send him hearts – all a part of the little game we liked to play. However, we knew those brief moments of comfort were fleeting and couldn’t be sustained because of the circumstance. Thus, we decided that out of respect for each other and his family we couldn’t continue.

It’s always easy to pass judgment; it’s easy to say that I would never do this because I was raised better than that – and I’ve been the very one to pass that judgment. The fact is, you can’t control your feelings, but you are in control of how deep you allow them to develop.

I’ve accepted that we’ve been placed in each other’s lives for a reason. He’s everything I wish I had in a mate. He’s taught me not to settle and he’s taught me great patience and restraint. He’s shared with me a gift much greater than I think he even realizes – recognizing my self worth. After feeling what I’ve felt with him (something that deeply outweighs physical attraction) I’m uninterested in feeling anything less and look forward to finding something much greater with someone who is tailor made just for me. And through all of this, his personal lessons haven’t gone unheeded. He now understands that it’s impossible to be perfect and that placing unrealistic and unfair expectations upon himself only leads to vast turmoil within. The greatest victory is continuing to work on overcoming your weaknesses and realizing once you’ve done that-you are in fact headed for that perfection that you’ve so desperately sought. Furthermore, he was charged with grasping the concept that a great connection is beyond touch - it’s the silent feel of compatibility and understanding that when you are in a relationship with someone, being completely into them is essential in order to maintain the love, the feelings and the connection that their partner was promised from the moment they said ‘I do.’

Through our brief “emotional affair” we understand the role we’ve played for each other and this has freed us from guilt and has made room for tremendous growth in both of our lives. I can honestly say that I don’t regret a moment of time that we’ve shared and I’d go as far as to say that I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Why not to add your new man to Facebook (Mark Zuckerberg is gonna hate me)

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 20:43:00 -0800

I know this entry is going to throw off a lot of stalkers, but please be advised that if you don’t follow my advice, I am not responsible for anything that happens there after. Also, I should mention that this rule only applies to those who are dating someone that they did NOT know on a friendship level previously.

It just seems so easy right? You meet someone and within minutes you can “shop” them; their likes/dislikes, age, favorite quotes, books they’ve read, places they’ve traveled, job title, relationship status, and religious background. So here’s my question, what do you talk about when you're in a room together? This phenomenon is part of the digital dating age, or what I like to call stalk-to-date™(its not really trademarked, soley for effect).

What happens with Stalk-to-date™ is that we remove that element of discovery that makes a relationship grow SLOWLY and naturally. I am not saying you shouldn’t g-check your man (short for Google check…and yes I made that up too), but you absolutely cannot add him to the FB. Why? You ask. Because it breeds the little creeper inside of us all (did TLC just pop into anyone else’s head? So I creep. Yeaaaaa).

And now, here are three reasons why the FB will be the death of dating:

Reason #1: You judge a book by its cover.
When you are a picky woman, like me, passing Judgment is one of the many reasons that looking through a potential man’s profile can be fatal. In fact, it has canceled many date #2s for me before they even begun. You just HAD to click trough all 512 of his photos, to show your girlfriend how cute he is, when oops, you hit the picture of him on a pub crawl in a bright pink crop-top licking his friends face. Immediate demerit. Point is, we are not always immediately enthralled with the guy we are dating, a lot of times attraction BUILDS, that is, when we LET it. But when judgment gets in the way, its like a relationship axe.

Reason #2: Its breeds insecurity.
So he says he’s going to call at 6:00 to make plans for tonight. Its 8:00. Big surprise. You’re all made-up (even the lip-gloss) and decide to login and check YOUR wall, when you suddenly “stumble” upon HIS. BIG Mistake. “Mike and Jane 'big boobs' Smith are now friends (7:52pm).' Mother F%$#er! (still not swearing...my grandmother reads this for god's sake).

Your going to hate me for saying this, but you’re the idiot… for not getting your ass off of the couch to make the best secondary plans of your life at 6:15 when he didn’t call in the first place.

How about we try looking out for ourselves and what WE are doing and stop worrying about what hes doing. Yeah maybe hes a jerk. But its not normal to be able to see it. Especially when this is date #1 or 2. He doesn’t owe you anything.

Now, when you are exclusive with someone, and you see a hot-chick friend acceptance, you immediately visualize the dry-humping session they had 2 nights ago and proceed to creep out the girl on every social media outlet available. Whether or not Stacey WAS from two nights ago, if you don’t trust him and you had to FB “creep” to find out. Say bye bye, or au revoir (if you prefer french).

Alright, I’m sick of writing reason #2 so now moving on to…

Reason #3: Ignorance is bliss
Bottom line. We shouldn’t know the daily movements of the men we are dating and they shouldn’t know ours. Why torture yourself? RESIST. You have too much going on to care. And even if you DO care then PRETEND you don’t until you ACTUALLY don’t (pheuf…I’ll wait while you read that again). Trust me it works. You know how they say if you tell yourself a lie enough times you’ll start to believe it. Well this time it’s a good thing, and it works in your favor.

Please, if you see that friend request. Stay strong ma ladies and IGNORE.
Anyone infringing upon the stalk-to-date™ trademark will be responsible for copyright fines of up to $20 million dollars in Facebook gifts.

to read more, go to http://hesthatguy.net/

Man-Up Ladies: Why it’s Good to be the aggressor

Mon, 01 Mar 2010 08:33:00 -0800

It all began 10 days ago…

I was sitting at LAX, about to board a quick Virgin America flight to San Francisco…
when out of the corner of my eye I spotted him, you know, that guy that you immediately think “he’s so my type.” In typical female form I chose to do nothing about it. Basically I stared at him until he looked at me, and then looked away. Good thing was, the stares were definitely not one sided. But, once again, instead of facing the fear of rejection, ego got in the way and I sat there pretending I was too cool.

20 minutes later: Flight is boarded and full. With “he’s so my type” sitting 3 rows back.
One minute later: (after a long talk with myself about what a loser I am) …an epiphany “Virgin America has seat-to-seat chat!” Oh yes, there it was, the opportunity for me to finally put myself out there and Man-the-F-up (I haven’t decided whether or not to swear in this blog yet).

After an excruciating 4 minutes with my right index finger hovering over the “Request to chat with seat 7C?” button. I tapped the screen and there was no turning back. I did it! Rejection or not, I did my part.

7C: ?
4C (me): Are you the guy in the black hat?
7C: haha yes??
4C: I’m not usually this Ballsy, but you’re super cute and I had to try out this chat application…
(ahaha. I know…so awkward. Worst opening line ever.)

45 minutes later, after an awesome chat with 7C, and zero bathroom breaks for either of us (that would mean passing by each other…again, awkward), and some of the world’s worst typos, I felt nothing but pure victory.

4C: So you realize were actually going to have to see each other when we land?
7C: Have to? I was looking forward to it.
4C: I’ll wait for you when we get off the flight

I have to say that THAT face-to-face was one of the least awkward, most comfortable moments I’ve had with someone I just hit on, that I hadn’t really met (not that I have those a lot). All kidding aside, he walked me to baggage claim and asked me for my digits. Woo hoo!

We spent the rest of my 10-day “business trip” nights together. One simultaneous shooting star viewing party (yes that really happened), hours of great conversation, and a little bit of South-Bay-lingo-adjustment later, I was hooked. Ooh and I should add, a definite solid 10 kisser.

Anyways, mush mush mush, I know you are all sick of hearing about my oh-so-wonderful dating life, but there is a point here. It’s a different world now, if we want equality ladies, we can’t choose where and when it is applicable. YOU, put in some of the effort, and YOU will reap the rewards. Sitting back and waiting isn’t going to get you anywhere. Just think of all of those guys in the grocery store that you never approached, and what it could have been.

I’ll leave you with a profound little tidbit from 7C that stuck with me. You have no control over the year you are born or the year you die, but you do have a choice as to what happens in the in-between, the “dash” is up to you.

As for me and 7C, only time will tell…

- to read more from He's That Guy, go to http://hesthatguy.net/

Prude

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 08:38:00 -0700

From the emails I received, all of you wanted to know one thing: did I? Or didn't I? A true lady doesn't kiss and tell, and (get ready for it) what happens in Vegas, stays there. But, I can't leave you hanging, so here is what I will tell you. Brace yourself because it's not what you think.

When we arrived at our hotel in Vegas, we didn't exactly get our weekend off to a fun start. There was a plumbing problem in an adjacent suite (foul) which forced us to go downstairs to gamble. The night was young, so we didn't mind.

Turns out, “Straight Edge” Matt was, in fact, a Vegas regular. He knew many of the Vegas "casino hosts" by first name. As I felt my B.B.S. (Bad Boy Syndrome) kick in, I calmed myself down and realized I couldn't be mad at Matt for being a friend of the ladies. This means he's a nice guy, right?

After several games of blackjack, Matt asked if we should go to the room to turn in because he has an early morning of seminars.

This was the moment of truth. We got up to the room, and after a G-rated make out session, Matt asked what I wanted to do. What did he mean? In my best effort to avoid the real question, I told Matt that we should watch a movie and cuddle. Cute, right? Apparently not.

"You think I invited you to Vegas to watch a movie and cuddle?"

THIS was the moment of truth. What happened to that college-football-loving-straight-edged-guy who I met at the mall? What happened to that guy who left me flowers?

"Um, yes." I was baffled.

"Well, you're wrong! What the hell is wrong with you? Are you a f'in prude?"

This was really happening. As guy crazy as I am, I do not tolerate crazy guys or guys (or anyone for that matter) who try to pressure people into anything.

Thankfully, I packed light (everything happens for a reason) and I was able to escape from the stinky suite without incident.

After playing some slots, I caught a cab to the airport. Thankfully, flying out of Vegas at 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday is relatively easy, and I was back in the comfort of my bed by 9:00 a.m.

Mile High

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 20:41:00 -0700

It's Friday and it's time to get high...in the sky to Vegas, that is! I had to pinch myself this morning when I my blackberry woke me with a reminder: "Vegas with Matt." Truth be told, I didn't need a reminder; I looked forward to this moment all week. Also, since I got dissed by Brad the Clooney last night for the double date (no, I'm not bitter), Vegas is the perfect dating palate cleanse and the opportunity I needed to get to know Matt a little better.

After I escaped from work a bit early thanks to my Emmy award winning cough, I trekked it to Burbank airport where Matt and our chariot awaited. Okay...so maybe it wasn't a chariot, but a girl can dream, can't she?

My 1 hour car drive to go 22 miles (gotta love L.A. Traffic) gave me plenty of time to glue on my fake eyelashes and call Jayelle. After getting through the preliminary convo ("Did anyone ask if I was really sick?"; "Did our boss come looking for me"), we got to the nitty-gritty.

"Are you going to hook up" she asked.

"Um, what do you mean?"

She clarified her question, "have sex, crazy. What else!"

"No, we're still getting to know each other. Plus, Matt is a gent! He won't do that." Famous last words, I know.

"Yeah, right. Slut!" With that, we broke into raucous laughter just when I arrived at the airport.

Speaking of which, remember that chariot joke above? Well, it turned out that Matt did have a chariot (read: private jet chartered by his company).

"Sorry, I didn't tell you, but, I hope you packed light," he said with a confident swagger.

Trying to act unimpressed (wouldn't want him to think I was f'in over the moon or anything), I said "of course, I always pack light," and handed him my DVF doctor bag.

He said he was impressed by my light packing because his last girlfriend was "high maintenance."
Wait - did he say girlfriend? Does he think I am of girlfriend caliber? Are we dating?

Before I could answer these burning questions (and finish my first mimosa...gotta love private), I realized that the rest of my non-overhead-sized- rolling-luggage set was in my car! There was no turning back because they just closed the doors. Plus, I didn't want to ruin my chances for beating out past girlfriends for the title of lightest packer. It would break Straight Edge Matt's little heart! Who needs a toothbrush or razor anyway-the Wynn resort should have those things, right?

With that, we took off into the sky.

Dude, where's my date?

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 14:04:00 -0700

The Thursday double date with Brad the Clooney came and went, as in, no phone call, no text, and no date last night. If out of sight means out of mind, then why is his absence in my life making my heart grow fonder? I just can’t seem to reconcile the two.

In an effort to cheer me up, Johnny took me out to the Woods. It turned out to be a very liberating evening because for approximately 2 hours, Brad the Clooney was just a distant memory in my dating rolodex thanks to Johnny, and Jayelle who met us up later. All three of us even managed to a table full of Foreigners and Stable Indie Rockers (what a combo!).

On another note, you must be wondering what’s happened with Straight Edge Matt. Since Brad the Clooney wasn’t blowing up my phone this week, my time to text and talk to Straight Edge Matt was considerably greater. As they say, when one door closes, another opens. We confirmed our plans for Vegas this weekend.

Fingers crossed, it will be fabulous! After all, it's VEGAS baby!!!

Day 1 - Work

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 08:10:00 -0700

It’s Monday, and it’s the first day of my real job. With the swipe of my firm’s parking garage key fob, I breathe a sign of relief for my new-found employment. I am comforted in knowing I’ll be able to pay off the massive debt I racked up in school (and getting dolled up for that wedding with Brad).

After orientation about the firm’s computer system (yawn!) and taking a personality test, I finally get a chance to scan the room to see who my “colleagues” are. Regrettably – or maybe thankfully – there are no hot Corporateers. I couldn’t help but wonder where all the hotties in the firm’s recruitment materials went?

I meet a new fellow associate, Jayelle, a bubbly, Southern Belle from Atlanta. She confirms that we were both fraudulently induced by the false and deceptive advertising of the recruitment brochures. We laugh it off, and after our boring day, head to happy hour at Casa Downtown (http://www.casadowntown.com/) for some Milagro Margaritas.

I’m so excited to finally meet a new girlfriend. This city is tough when it comes to meeting sincere friends! I was dying to tell Jayelle all about my weekend with Brad, and the potential dating debacle with Straight Edge Matt (and, to answer my blog followers’ questions, I never have dated two people at once and this is all new to me!)

We keep conversation light initially, but after a margarita…or two…we exchange our new-to-L.A. war stories about velvet ropes, crazy roommates from craigslist, and of course, the Guy Types of L.A.

My Two SweetE's

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 21:01:00 -0700

The day has finally come. After 4 days of waiting, 3 days of shopping, 2 dresses purchased (my credit card will thank me for the large payment I will make once I start that new job), the day has finally come for the wedding that is “no big deal.”

Brad picks me up promptly at 6:00 in his Volcom tux and 3 series BMW in flat black. I must say, he cleans up well and if his sleeves were a little longer, I would have never guessed that he had a full sleeve. Also, for a Bad Boy type, he’s very polite – opens doors and even brought me a chilled bottle of water. Nice touch (pay attention fellas!).

The wedding is uneventful, and full of couples. The reception is even more uneventful. Nevertheless, we befriend a very cool couple. The guy was a total Boarder who tells us about a wine bar in Culver City, called Ugo, and invites us for drinks next Thursday.

Wait – does this mean we have plans? Does this mean there is another date? What will I tell Matt who is at home right now watching the U.S.C. v. Notre Dame Game? Will I tell Matt? Should I tell Matt?

I decide to put the burning questions on the back burner, and just proceed to the dance floor with Brad. After paying homage to Rihanna (why is she on every freaking song?), we headed to my favorite part of the wedding: the dessert area which was comprised of four cupcake towers (read: heaven). We shared a Red Velvet and Mexican Chocolate Churro Cupcake from the fabulous Sweet E’s bakeshop (http://www.sweetesbakeshop.com/), which were more delicious than words can describe. My consumption was only restricted by the tightness of my bandage dress (yes, I wore it last night too – it’s my uniform!). Trust me, I would have a Chocolate Mint Cake Pop if my dress wasn’t about to pop.

Brad dropped me off at my apartment and sent me off with a passionate kiss. As I walked up to the door by myself, I saw a shadow and immediately grabbed my mace (single ladies gotta be safe in L.A.!). Turns out, the “shadow” was a large flower arrangement from Matt! How incredibly sweet. “Had a great time last night. Hoping you’ll join me in Vegas next weekend. Matt” Um, yes. I text Matt to thank him and confirm, and realized that I might be dating two guys at once!

I just hope he doesn’t want to leave on Thursday.

Call Me Crazy

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 20:59:00 -0700

Could it be? Are my eyes deceiving me? It’s none other than Brad the Clooney calling…to invite me to a wedding. A wedding? I mean, I just met him at freaking Short Stop 1 week ago! Is this guy crazy? How weird.

He is sure to emphasize that “it’s no big deal” but he needs a “fun” date for his workmate’s wedding. Is “fun” a euphemism for easy or chubby or solely-friend-territory?

Notwithstanding the fact that it took him more than 5 days to call me (forget the 3 day rule – this dude is taking it to a new level) and the wedding is in 2 days, I stop the perfunctory girl-brain analysis and say “yes, why not.” Besides, I’m not exclusively dating Straight Edge Matt…yet. And, he’ll probably be watching football on Saturday anyway, so I can’t worry.

The wedding is in Malibu, with a reception to follow, and an after-party at The Hideout. Who has an after party for a party? And, at Hideout? Only in L.A.

Before I could blink my fake eyelashes (I’m going to the Abbey with my G.B.F. Johnny tonight), Brad the Clooney tells me that he’ll pick me up at 6 p.m on Saturday. With that, he hung up the phone before I could even ask him why it took him so damn long to call me, or why taking me to a wedding is “no big deal.” I decided to stop worrying about the unimportant, and try to figure out what I will wear to this wedding. Maybe my Herve Leger bandage dress (been lunging at the gym), or maybe a pair of Havaianas and a gold lame’ pantsuit because this wedding is apparently “no big deal.”

I don’t know why, but the “no big deal” comment really irked me. I just wanted to send him a text that read “on second thought, since the [expletive] wedding is “no [expletive] big deal,” you should [expletive] take someone else because I’m a [expletive] “big deal!” After I finally cooled off, I successfully talked myself out of hitting send. I remembered that the no-call/mentally unavailable thing goes with the territory of going on a “no big deal” wedding date with a Bad Boy, like the Clooney guy type.

My phone rang again – this time, it was Matt inviting me for dinner on Friday night at Mastros. Herve Leger bangage dress it is!

Cleanse the Palate

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 09:28:00 -0700

Saturday was a big turning point for me – not only because I spontaneously went on a date with Straight Edge Matt on the same day that I met him, but because I started to overcome my B.B.S. (Bad Boy Syndrome for those of you who didn’t catch my last blog). Meeting Matt has helped me realize that I don’t need a guy with tattoos, a record, or emotional unavailability (or all of the above) to get me going! I have a bona fide crush on a good, normal football-loving, gym-going guy for once. I mean, who cares that the sexy Clooney named Brad from Short Stop never called me? I don’t even know that sucker, so why would I care that he’ll never wrap his tatted up arms around me? Okay, maybe I’m not cured of B.B.S., but, I’m trying. I recently read that the best way to cleanse the dating palate is to date a nice, drama-free, and down to earth person. And that, my friends, is what I’m doing…until Brad calls…kidding ☺

Can't Wii All Just Get Along?

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 08:59:00 -0700

So…“we” had so much fun at Q’s on Saturday night! And, there was no cute, button-nosed blonde named Jenny in the “we.” That’s right, it was just me and Straight Edge Matt, and three of his cutest friends (and their respective ambiguously-titled lady friends) watching a marathon of college football games. I hate to sound like a giddy school girl, but Matt looked sooooo cute in his Lucky jeans and Obey shirt (yes, I notice these things!). He was also sooooo nice to his friends, sooooo knowledgeable about football, and sooooo friendly to the waitress…a little too friendly.

I couldn’t sweat it though because I was fully aware that my sensitivity to Straight Edge Matt’s friendliness to the waitress arose from my B.B.S., or Bad Boy Syndrome. You see, in the past, I was addicted to Bad Boys – the type of guy who is a passionate charmer or adrenaline-junkie that all women love to hang around (and on). Unfortunately, the Bad Boys of boyfriends past lived up to their reputations, and passion often translated into cheating, lying, emotional f-ed-up-ness, failures to call [did I mention that my Clooney named Brad from Short Stop never called? Surprise, surprise] or all of the above.

Hence, my paranoia.

But, I’m on the path to recovery, and Straight Edge Matt is just the rehab that I need! No tattoos. No motorcycle. No psycho-exes (or currents). No drama. Just a good ole’ guy next door!

After one too many Rasmopolitans and an interlocking-arm-walk up Barrington, “we” ended up at Matt’s Brentwood pad. I chatted up with the other ladies, while the guys bonded over Wii tennis and other man things. Not too soon after I joined the game, two (very attractive female) neighbors with beers in tow came a-knockin’ at Matt’s door.

“Hi Matty!”

Um, did she just call him Matty? WTF! Who are these girls!

“Nice to meet you. We’re Matty’s neighbors, and thought we’d join the party!”

Stay calm, Lucy. Don’t let B.B.S. kick in.

“Great to meet you too! Can I help you with these?” And with that, I helped the Olly Twins (shout out to Sunset Tan) stack the beers in the fridge.

“Thank you, Lucy.” I soon felt reassurance by way of Matt’s muscular arm wrapping around my waist, and his perfect lips meeting mine. I’m one step closer to my recovery.

Fashion meets Football

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 11:54:00 -0700

Now that I'm boosted enough to clean the date slate and get on the L.A. dating scene, I have a bone to pick. In a city that boasts beautiful people, the fashion for this fall leaves much to be desired. How am I ever going to land a guy if I look like G.I. Joe with the drab military inspired jackets? And, how can I embrace my youth (or what's left of it) when Fall's look is all about the Mr. Cosby sweaters? Yeah, I'm not sure either.

Determined to find a hot date outfit, I decided to go to the Beverly Center. Somewhere between Bloomies and Victoria's Secret, I gave up and perched upon one of the cute little white couches they've strategically placed in the mall for supportive, loyal boyfriends accompanying fashion frenzied girlfriends on their respective treks.

As I watched the UCLA game to clear my head from the fashion trauma, I was interrupted. "Excuse me, do you know when the USC game is on?" Just as I was about to explain why I wouldn't know when the USC game would be on (I am a Big 10 conference girl), I realized I met my next date: the Straight Edge, college football loving normal guy who we will call Matt. I could only hope that he wasn’t one of those supportive, loyal boyfriends waiting for his GF to come out of BeBe. “Well this week is a bye, so I think you’re going to have to watch the UCLA game,” I said with a hopeful smile. “Is that an invitation to join you?” Did that just happen? It did, and I didn’t even need a new date outfit to get a date with Straight Edge Matt.

There was still a burning question pending in my mind: why the hell was he at the mall watching football? “Sure, but I don’t want to hold you up from shopping.” Just as I said that, a cute, button-nosed blonde came out BeBe (can I predict things, or what?). He introduced me to his “friend” named Jenny. As quickly as she and I exchanged “nice-to-meet-yous,” my hope of a date with Straight Edge Matt when out the mall window. I mean, there’s no way a guy like Straight Edge (hot) Matt could be just “friends” with cute, button-nosed blonde Jenny! Can guys and girls really be friends? “WE'RE going to watch the game at Q’s later if you want to join US. Can I have your number so I can call you when WE get there?” I gave him my number, but I couldn’t help but wonder who is the "WE" that he was referring to. Would it be a big group of hot guy friends? Or did I just get invited on a date with Matt and Jenny? I guess “WE” will find out.

The Boost

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 21:08:00 -0700

Okay, so I caught a little slack from my last blog about the “Ego Booster.” I get it. My white lie to escape from my date was not cool…but can you blame a girl who wants to explore Los Angeles and take in the nightlife of this great city? I plan a more graceful exit next time.

I went out with Brian. We skipped the bowling (Yeah! My manicure will be preserved), and went right to the Short Stop in Silverlake. I took Brian up on a game of pool, and promptly kicked his ass! Without realizing it, during the game, I had developed a fan following of some hot Stable Indie Rockers and a stray Clooney who had actually bet on my game. Apparently, my skills behind the cue ball made the Clooney (named “Brad”) $50.00 richer, and as a “thank you,” he bought me a drink. While I felt bad leaving Brian with only a pool stick in his hand, a girl’s gotta do what she has to do. And, in this case, it meant accompanying my new friend to the dimly lit bar to rub elbows and make small talk, while we delayed the inevitable.

The conversation at the bar was average at best, but he was certainly easy on the eyes (Clooney-types always are), which naturally meant – for me, at least – he would be hard on my heart. You see, I am a bit superficial. Not in the money-grubbing-gold-digger-status-climbing sort of way, but in the I-like-pretty-things-and-pretty-people sort of way. I’ve really tried to change my guy type over the years to no avail. Maybe it’s because I am big on aesthetics and art? Maybe it’s because I like a challenge? Maybe I’m just a glutton for punishment, and I need to venture outside my comfort zone…but not tonight.

We exchange numbers, and I return to play winner of Brian’s game with the Stable Indie Rockers. We finish off a couple of PBRs (when in Silverlake…), and Brian drives me home. We hug good night. I’m officially (ego) boosted.